Saturday, September 11, 2010

Terry Jones

Terry Jones, pre-mustache, pre-insanity

Before achieving fleeting infamy as the organizer of something called the "International Burn a Koran Day" (09/11/10), the insane and racist preacher, Terry Jones, graduated with Rush Limbaugh from Cape Girardeau (Missouri) Central High School in 1969. Jones played baseball for the school, while the beefier Limbaugh played football.

Rush Limbaugh

"Rusty" Limbaugh, Class of '69
Rushton Hudson Limbaugh III graduated from Cape Girardeau (Missouri) Central High School in 1969. Limbaugh, the beefy son of a prominent attorney, played football and apparently had no interaction with classmate--and future would-be Koran burner--Terry Jones, who evidently preferred baseball.

Terry Jones, '69
After dropping out of Southeast Missouri State during his freshman year, Limbaugh went on to unremarkable careers as a pop music DJ (as "Rusty Sharpe" and "Jeff Christy") and as the promotional director for the Kansas City Royals. Ironically, the famously hawkish conservative successfully avoided the Vietnam War draft with the help of a medical condition known as a pilodidal cyst. For more on the host's awkward attempts to avoid talking about his ass malady and how it kept him from personally combating Communism in Asia, see

"Jeff Christy" does a charity promotion in the '70s.
The bloated broadcaster first became famous in the late 1980s as the host of a national conservative talk show based out of New York City. The program, now heard on over 600 radio stations throughout the United States, is little changed from its mid-1980s incarnation on KFBK in Sacramento, California. The average three-hour installment contains long-winded, often inaccurate, frequently racist political rants punctuated with comments from callers (aka "Dittoheads") who agree with everything "El Rushbo" says. Limbaugh also delights his audience with sophomoric, bullying "humor" and musical parodies such as the infamous "Barack the Magic Negro" clip produced by the singularly unfunny Paul Shanklin.

As of this post, the multimillionaire host has been married four times. The lucky ladies are:

Roxy Maxine McNeely, 1977-1980
Michelle Sixta, 1983-1990
Marta Fitzgerald, 1994-2004*
Kathryn Rogers, 2010-

In 2006, the pro-law enforcement, anti-drug conservative superstar surrendered to authorities in Palm Beach County, Florida on the charge of "doctor shopping" for prescription medication.** The National Enquirer had broken the story of Limbaugh's Oxycontin habit three years earlier in an embarrassing cover story. In the expose, the tabloid described in detail how the radio host would meet his dealer at night behind restaurants for the pills that he fondly referred to as "little baby blues."

Limbaugh 2006 mugshot

For more on Limbaugh's countless misdeeds, including his insinuation that a thirteen-year-old Chelsea Clinton resembled a dog, visit these sites:

* Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas officiated Limbaugh's wedding to Ms. Fitzgerald, an aerobics instructor whom the radio host met on CompuServe.   

** Charge subsequently dropped as part of a court settlement.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

L. Ron Hubbard

 The Young LRH Chronicles

L. Ron Hubbard (LRH to his fans) was born in 1911 and he "discard[ed] his body" in 1986.  

He is best known for being a certified nutcase who founded a cult called the Church of Scientology in 1954. His youth, at least as recounted by the "biographers" at the L. Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition, reads like something out of The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. Of course, Hubbard made a career out of embellishing and fabricating his life story, so the only thing that we're reasonably sure of is that he was once a Boy Scout.

LRH performs earthly "research"

After his "decision" to continue his "research" in an "exterior" state (i.e. he dropped dead in a motor home in the California desert), Hubbard's psychotic protege, David Miscavige, took over the "church." Every Scientology "org" (location) has an office ready and waiting for the founder's return, but so far he's chosen to remain somewhere in the Van Allen Belt with his space pal, Xenu.

Mr. David Miscavige, keeper of the flame

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Laura Bush

Laura Welch became Mrs. Bush in 1977
Before bringing her Stepford-esque grace to the White House as first lady to President George W. Bush, Laura Bush (then Laura Welch) was a student at Robert E. Lee High School in Midland, Texas. She graduated from Lee in 1964 and went on to study education at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. 

On the night of November 6, 1963, the seventeen-year-old Laura Welch's life changed forever when she ran a stop sign in her father's Chevy Impala and killed her good friend*, Michael Dutton Douglas, who was driving another vehicle. Welch and a girlfriend were chatting in their car as they rushed to a drive-in movie when the accident occurred.

In her 2010 autobiography, Spoken From the Heart, Mrs. Bush finally discussed the troubling incident in detail:
In those awful seconds, the car door must have been flung open by the impact and my body rose in the air until gravity took over and I was pulled, hard and fast, back to the earth...The whole time I was praying that the person in the other car was alive. In my mind, I was calling 'Please, God. Please God,' over and over again. 
Accident report released in 2000 - click to enlarge

In her book, Mrs. Bush reveals that she was consumed with guilt for many years, particularly after missing her friend's funeral--her parents did not want her to attend and she wound up sleeping late the day of ceremony.

Relative of Local People Dies In Wreck
Mike Douglas, 17, formerly of San Benito, died last night of injuries suffered a short time earlier when his car and another collided on the north edge of Midland.
Funeral arrangements are incomplete.
The son of Mr. and Mrs. W.T. Douglas of Midland, he had several aunts and an uncle living in Corpus Christi.
His father was behind him in another car. Mike was on his way to the home of a sister, Mrs. Joe Sims of Midland, to babysit for her. Injured in the other vehicle were Laura Welch and Judy Dykes, both of Midland, who were treated at a hospital and released. 
-- Excerpted from the Corpus Christi (Texas) Times, page 36, November 7, 1963  
The former first lady also writes of some external factors to the accident in an apparent effort to mitigate her culpability. She states that the intersection was quite dark, the stop sign was "small" and that the other automobile in the accident was the notoriously "unsafe at any speed" Corvair. She then invokes Ralph Nader's crusade against the car without noting the irony that it was Nader's third party candidacy in the 2000 election that helped elect her husband president.

Mrs. Bush also uses her book to try and exonerate W. for his bungling of Hurricane Katrina which caused over 1,500 deaths. And they said the Clintons were deadly...

* Laura Bush states in Spoken From the Heart that she was never romantically attached to her victim. Some accounts had previously reported that she and Michael Dutton Douglas were dating at the time of the accident.

Tony Blair

Future war criminal, Tony Blair, with the Fettes College basketball team
Former Prime Minister of England Tony Blair graduated from Fettes College in Edinburgh before moving on to Oxford and finally to St. John's College where he studied law. As a student, Blair enjoyed music. He sang and played guitar in a rock band called Ugly Rumors.

Blair without the infamous wanking gesture... (we're a family blog)
In 1983, Blair was elected to Parliament as a member of the Labour Party. In 1997 he was elected as Prime Minister, a post he would hold for a decade.

"Cool Britannia" in waiting (1986)
During a stop in Ireland on Blair's book tour (for his autobiography A Journey) in 2010, protesters through eggs and shoes at him because of his role in the Iraq War (they missed). In his memoir, Blair continues his poodle-esque admiration of George W. Bush by describing his partner in preemption as a "true idealist" who exhibited "genuine political courage [and] sincerely believed in spreading freedom and democracy." The U.S. president rewarded Blair for his naive allegiance with one of his patented "charming" nicknames: "Landslide" (certainly better than Vladimir Putin's handle, "Pootie Toot" and "Ostrich Legs.").

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Random Personalities

Just some random personalities because summer's almost over and we're not trying very hard...

Former White House Press Secretary, Ari Fleischer

Former governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer

Ashley Dupree, former associate of Gov. Eliot Spitzer
Charlie Sheen, sitcom actor/criminal
Kate Gosselin, reality show curiosity
John Gosselin, reality show curiosity

Televangelist, Benny Hinn
Former politician John Edwards
Former actress, Tara Reid
Rapper Snoop Dogg
Goth rock star Marilyn Manson
Rock star Alice Cooper and friend

Rock star Iggy Pop
Rap star Eminem
Scientologist / Psychiatry expert Tom Cruise
Former actress/Scientologist, Katie Holmes